The Donor Who Dared To Say Don't
You wouldn't sell or give away your kids, would you? So don't donate your sperm!Thursday, February 01, 2007
When I Look In the Mirror...
Elizabeth has very kindly allowed me to reprint the following post from her blog:
http://frabjousdays.blogspot.com/
I think she portrays quite perfectly both the subliminal and overt identity questioning which donor-conceived people experience when they have been kept in the dark about their origins.
Brown-eyed girl
When I was 15, I found out by chance that I was donor conceived. There were a couple of letters in a drawer that I didn't know I shouldn't be looking in. They were from a clinic in Harley Street and were addressed to my mother. One was dated a year or so before I was born, and said that the clinic would be happy to help my mother again, and would 'try to ensure that the same donor is used'. The other was dated about seven months before I was born, and talked about 'the second success'.
I tackled my mother about this, and she gave me a cock-and-bull story about blood tests. I didn't have the courage to pursue the matter, so I gave up. A few months later I tried again, and didn't give up. She broke down in tears, and told me that they had never intended us to find out, but that my 'father' had been unable to have children, so they'd gone for 'artificial insemination by donor' as it was known in those days. Apparently they'd matched the donor with my 'father's' hair and eye colour, and that was that.
Then the lies began. The man listed as my father on my birth certificate, isn't. No-one knew, or even guessed, the truth. The little lies my mother told helped the deception. My brother had big hands like Dad. My sister had blue eyes like Great-Granny Alice (on my 'father's' side. The correct term these days is 'social father'.) What I have only just realised is that these lies even extend to what colour eyes I think I have. Mark and I have a long-running joke/argument: he says I've got green eyes, I say they're brown. When I look in the mirror, I do see that the nearest they get to brown is hazel. Maybe. But the reason I think they're brown is that my mother always said I had brown eyes like Dad. So all along, in school essays entitled 'Myself' or letters to penpals or anything, I have said I have brown eyes. But I don't!
I did always worry as a child that I was adopted, and even quizzed my mother about it on several occasions. 'You would tell us if we were adopted, wouldn't you?' 'Oh, yes.' My mother even told a story of a boy who killed himself on discovering, at the age of 18, that he was adopted. Strange choice of anecdote in the circumstances.
I did also feel a bit like a changeling. For example, I had my nose in a book from an early age. My mother had done well at school, but wasn't a reader; I never saw my 'dad' open a book except for a car repair manual. He left school at 16 with no qualifications. (He said he'd failed them on purpose so that Grandma couldn't force him to become a doctor. Hmmm.) But he apparently produced three children who were in all the top sets at school...
The irony is that I spent several years as a teenager (OK, I was a weird teenager) researching my family tree. My mother and I went into the wilds of Leicestershire looking at obscure parish records to see how far back we could get. As I found out, these random Leicestershire labourers were nothing to do with me.
Now there is a great big gap in the children's baby books for their grandfather. I've registered with UK DonorLink (a voluntary agency where donors and donor conceived adults can register their DNA) but realistically, there is a minute chance that I will ever find the donor. He did the deed for money as a medical student and has probably wiped the memory from his mind. I did, however, find my half-sister; meeting her has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Funnily enough, for years I perpetuated the lie with my own children. How on earth do you broach the subject with tinies? But at some point I realised that I was repeating, albeit in a minor way, my parents' own deception. We'd covered the facts of life in a basic way when Gregoria was about 4, because she asked. So I just told her at some point that the daddy who brought me up wasn't my real daddy because he coudn't make seeds, so my mummy got the seed from someone else and unfortunately we don't know who that is. Now that is as normal to her as anything else. She knows I'm sad about it, and that's OK too.
I am passionately opposed to donor conception, because it deprives children of a basic human right: to know, and be brought up by, their mother and father. It is completely different from adoption, because in that case the child already exists and needs to be cared for. Donor conception exists for the convenience of people who want to be parents. Wanting a baby is a natural desire, but is not to be achieved by unethical means. Why can't infertile people adopt a baby? 'Because it wouldn't be ours.' Why do they privilege the genetic link on the one hand and deny it on the other?
I could go on and on, but for the sake of my home educating readership, won't. Please excuse me venting. This is part of my journey of self-acceptance. (When I was exploring Catholicism and finding out about Catholic opposition to various artificial means of conception, including this one, I worried that perhaps it meant that I didn't have a soul!) For many years this was my guilty secret. Now it's part of who I am.
posted by biodad # 11:20 PM 
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Michael, THANK YOU!! I didn't know about Elizabeth, and this blog entry just blew me away. I had to quote a part of it on my own blog too. THanks so much for spreading this truth!
I think it is selfish to keep a child's origins from them. I also think that the posture of the Elisabeth is equally selfish. What she is doing is what many parents of DI conceived children fear. She isn't even acknowledging that the man who raised her is her "real daddy" in every sense of the word. Nothing in her entry indicates that she was abused or mistreated by the man who raised her. If I could say one thing to her I'd tell her to stop and consider the love that her true parents have for her. The way she is going about this is just as selfish as those she accuses.
Lormar, please don't make assumptions. My social father spent five years behind bars, for child abuse. My mother stuck with him and took his side against her children's.
Do you still think he's my real daddy? What do you know about how my 'true parents' feel about me? And most of all, what gives you the right to pass judgement on me?
Do you still think he's my real daddy? What do you know about how my 'true parents' feel about me? And most of all, what gives you the right to pass judgement on me?
Thank you for clearing that part up. However, my assertion still stands. Here is something that you posted:
"I am passionately opposed to donor conception, because it deprives children of a basic human right: to know"
You don't have the right to condemn the process of donor conception just because you had a bad experience.
My biological father abandoned me and my sibs after the divorce. Before my parents split, he knowingly placed us in dangerous situations and would have seriously harmed my older brother had he not been stopped. He was abusive to my mom and even used me as a pawn in one of his violent episodes against her. (my mom's lack of parenting skills is a whole other post). Because of my BIOLOGICAL FATHER, I now have horrible memories that will stay with me forever. It would be riducolous and selfish for me to be passionately against biological fathers just as it is ridiculous and selfish for you to be against donor conception. Your experience (and even mine) should not be used to make blanket and even biased statements.
Additionally, I am single and currently TTC via donor insemination. Since I believe that children should have the right to know and explore their biological heritage, I am limiting my choices to open donors. I will be "darned" if I allow anyone to take away my right to choose this option. As harsh as it may sound to some, the pain of "not knowing" should not interfere with a woman or a couple's right to have children. At the same time, I believe in banning the concept of anonymous donations. If it means that less donors will be available, so be it. DI children should be given that right regardless of the outcome. Banning anonymous donations is a fair compromise to both sides.
To sum it all up, I believe that fathers and mothers are NOT important to a child's well being. Rather, good fathers and good mothers are important to a child's well being. You will find many children who will tell you that biology makes no difference if your bio parents are horrible at the job. Sadly, bad parents are not rare (that doesn't mean they are the majority) at all. I will be optimistic though. I believe that most parents are good parents (biology or not).
"I am passionately opposed to donor conception, because it deprives children of a basic human right: to know"
You don't have the right to condemn the process of donor conception just because you had a bad experience.
My biological father abandoned me and my sibs after the divorce. Before my parents split, he knowingly placed us in dangerous situations and would have seriously harmed my older brother had he not been stopped. He was abusive to my mom and even used me as a pawn in one of his violent episodes against her. (my mom's lack of parenting skills is a whole other post). Because of my BIOLOGICAL FATHER, I now have horrible memories that will stay with me forever. It would be riducolous and selfish for me to be passionately against biological fathers just as it is ridiculous and selfish for you to be against donor conception. Your experience (and even mine) should not be used to make blanket and even biased statements.
Additionally, I am single and currently TTC via donor insemination. Since I believe that children should have the right to know and explore their biological heritage, I am limiting my choices to open donors. I will be "darned" if I allow anyone to take away my right to choose this option. As harsh as it may sound to some, the pain of "not knowing" should not interfere with a woman or a couple's right to have children. At the same time, I believe in banning the concept of anonymous donations. If it means that less donors will be available, so be it. DI children should be given that right regardless of the outcome. Banning anonymous donations is a fair compromise to both sides.
To sum it all up, I believe that fathers and mothers are NOT important to a child's well being. Rather, good fathers and good mothers are important to a child's well being. You will find many children who will tell you that biology makes no difference if your bio parents are horrible at the job. Sadly, bad parents are not rare (that doesn't mean they are the majority) at all. I will be optimistic though. I believe that most parents are good parents (biology or not).
I'm sorry to read that you had a bad experience with your father. I had honestly hoped that my post would give you pause, and make you apologise for your comments. I was hurt by the accusation of selfishness and by your assumptions. I would have thought that most people, on learning that someone has been the victim of serious abuse, wouldn't say 'That clears that part up'.
It's not my experience which leads me to condemn DC, but my experience is not atypical. There is much more divorce and family breakdown within DC families.
I condemn DC because it is intentionally depriving a child of a relationship with his or her biological father. It is completely different from adoption, because in that case the child already exists. DC brings into existence a child solely to satisfy the wishes of the parent to have a biologically related child, but at the same time deprives that child of half of his or her biological inheritance.
Open donation makes the process a bit better, but not much. The child is still deprived of the right to grow up with the mother and father who conceived him or her.
There is no such thing as a right to have a child. And certainly no such right which overrides the right of the child to be born. Just because you're here first, doesn't make you more important! If you do have children this way, they may well grow up feeling like I do. I'm not the only one.
The Bible says that children are a gift from God. If you really want children and if you really are a Christian, pray for a husband! I'm not being sarcastic. Or consider adoption.
I'll pray for you too.
It's not my experience which leads me to condemn DC, but my experience is not atypical. There is much more divorce and family breakdown within DC families.
I condemn DC because it is intentionally depriving a child of a relationship with his or her biological father. It is completely different from adoption, because in that case the child already exists. DC brings into existence a child solely to satisfy the wishes of the parent to have a biologically related child, but at the same time deprives that child of half of his or her biological inheritance.
Open donation makes the process a bit better, but not much. The child is still deprived of the right to grow up with the mother and father who conceived him or her.
There is no such thing as a right to have a child. And certainly no such right which overrides the right of the child to be born. Just because you're here first, doesn't make you more important! If you do have children this way, they may well grow up feeling like I do. I'm not the only one.
The Bible says that children are a gift from God. If you really want children and if you really are a Christian, pray for a husband! I'm not being sarcastic. Or consider adoption.
I'll pray for you too.
If you took my post as being insensitive, that is only your perception. I am very frank and to the point. I suffered much abuse as well; therefore, I am very sensitive to it. The difference is that I won't allow it to cloud my vision or beliefs.
"The Bible says that children are a gift from God. If you really want children and if you really are a Christian, pray for a husband! I'm not being sarcastic. Or consider adoption.
I'll pray for you too."
Regardless of what we pray for, God will do whatever He wishes. He may not send a husband and I am fine with that. I prayed for a husband for years, then I considered how God gives us free will. God doesn't have to turn a man's heart toward me since He gives men that free will. You are right in bringing in the fact that children are a gift from God. Therefore, it is not your right to question or condemn how God gives such a gift. The word gift doesn't mean one doesn't have rights to it. The fact is, man can never create life without God. Although specific situations may vary, DI conception is not a sin.
It is my right to have a child and to do it safely and morally.
As for open donation, be sure to find out more about it before making incorrect assumptions. A child isn't necessarily going to grow up without a father. I have a donor who has already made himself available to me and my future child. I wouldn't want it any other way. DI has come a long way since you were conceived. Things can be much more open now. And I thank God for that.
Before praying for me, please allow God to heal you from your past. I think as christians it is important to illustrate a good witness of what Christ can do in our lives. If we wallow in hurts from our past and allow ourselves to succomb to irrational beliefs, what does that say to nonbelievers about our God?
I will follow the path wherever God leads. This may not be the ideal, but it sure beats going out and fornicating in order to have a child. God willing, I will have a child biologically. If you have a problem with that, talk to God. Only He will reward my womb.
I don't mean to turn this man's blog into a discussion on religion. If you like, you are welcome to come over to my blog to have a respectful debate on this topic.
"The Bible says that children are a gift from God. If you really want children and if you really are a Christian, pray for a husband! I'm not being sarcastic. Or consider adoption.
I'll pray for you too."
Regardless of what we pray for, God will do whatever He wishes. He may not send a husband and I am fine with that. I prayed for a husband for years, then I considered how God gives us free will. God doesn't have to turn a man's heart toward me since He gives men that free will. You are right in bringing in the fact that children are a gift from God. Therefore, it is not your right to question or condemn how God gives such a gift. The word gift doesn't mean one doesn't have rights to it. The fact is, man can never create life without God. Although specific situations may vary, DI conception is not a sin.
It is my right to have a child and to do it safely and morally.
As for open donation, be sure to find out more about it before making incorrect assumptions. A child isn't necessarily going to grow up without a father. I have a donor who has already made himself available to me and my future child. I wouldn't want it any other way. DI has come a long way since you were conceived. Things can be much more open now. And I thank God for that.
Before praying for me, please allow God to heal you from your past. I think as christians it is important to illustrate a good witness of what Christ can do in our lives. If we wallow in hurts from our past and allow ourselves to succomb to irrational beliefs, what does that say to nonbelievers about our God?
I will follow the path wherever God leads. This may not be the ideal, but it sure beats going out and fornicating in order to have a child. God willing, I will have a child biologically. If you have a problem with that, talk to God. Only He will reward my womb.
I don't mean to turn this man's blog into a discussion on religion. If you like, you are welcome to come over to my blog to have a respectful debate on this topic.
Elizabeth, good luck to you. And you have a right to your opinions and you have a right to own your feelings and more than that, you have the right to come to this blog with your feelings and opinions and, given the nature of this blog you most certainly should be receiving validation for your feelings and opinions. I'm sorry you have been attacked by someone blinded by baby hunger.
I have followed this little thread with interest. Whether your biological or non-biological 'father' is loving or abusive is irrelevant. We can all drag up examples to illustrate our own point of view.
What is core to this is whether one has the right to a child, just like one has the right to be able to go in to a shop and buy a loaf of bread. First, I would like to know who says we have a right to a child.
Second, Lormar seems to be closing her ears to what someone has said by opening her heart to the world. Why can't she just take it on the chin? Someone who is donor-conceived has said that it sucks being that person in many aspects of her life. That is the reality, whether Lormar likes it or not. It is not selfishness, simply valid feelings of someone who has gone through this. The irony is that the one calling the other selfish, is the one who is wanting a baby for her own gratification.
Yes, God will 'reward' her womb if it is His will, but he will also let her die if she runs off the edge of a cliff. Natural actions have their consequences, but it doesn't mean that God sanctions them.
What is core to this is whether one has the right to a child, just like one has the right to be able to go in to a shop and buy a loaf of bread. First, I would like to know who says we have a right to a child.
Second, Lormar seems to be closing her ears to what someone has said by opening her heart to the world. Why can't she just take it on the chin? Someone who is donor-conceived has said that it sucks being that person in many aspects of her life. That is the reality, whether Lormar likes it or not. It is not selfishness, simply valid feelings of someone who has gone through this. The irony is that the one calling the other selfish, is the one who is wanting a baby for her own gratification.
Yes, God will 'reward' her womb if it is His will, but he will also let her die if she runs off the edge of a cliff. Natural actions have their consequences, but it doesn't mean that God sanctions them.
"Your experience (and even mine) should not be used to make blanket and even biased statements."
Of course she's biased; she's a DCP. You're biased, too, since you want to have a child through sperm donation.
Being a DCP myself, I am biased. I vehemently disagree with anonymous donation. I see, Lormar, that you've agreed to have an open donor, and that's good. Though my donor was not open (too early for that), I have found many half-siblings and even the donor himself. When I think about not having a chance to meet these siblings or others who don't know that they're DCP, that hurts. The thought of not knowing all these people I know now makes me immeasurably sad. You'd be surprised what powerful connections you can have just through biology alone. What's wrong with disagreeing with donor conception?
"I will be 'darned' if I allow anyone to take away my right to choose this option. As harsh as it may sound to some, the pain of "not knowing" should not interfere with a woman or a couple's right to have children."
Of course it should interfere. Are you to say that a parent's "right" to a child is greater than that very child's right to be happy with his or her life? That is the epitome of selfish. Everything a parent does involving their child should be in their child's interest.
Of course she's biased; she's a DCP. You're biased, too, since you want to have a child through sperm donation.
Being a DCP myself, I am biased. I vehemently disagree with anonymous donation. I see, Lormar, that you've agreed to have an open donor, and that's good. Though my donor was not open (too early for that), I have found many half-siblings and even the donor himself. When I think about not having a chance to meet these siblings or others who don't know that they're DCP, that hurts. The thought of not knowing all these people I know now makes me immeasurably sad. You'd be surprised what powerful connections you can have just through biology alone. What's wrong with disagreeing with donor conception?
"I will be 'darned' if I allow anyone to take away my right to choose this option. As harsh as it may sound to some, the pain of "not knowing" should not interfere with a woman or a couple's right to have children."
Of course it should interfere. Are you to say that a parent's "right" to a child is greater than that very child's right to be happy with his or her life? That is the epitome of selfish. Everything a parent does involving their child should be in their child's interest.
CCB Warped says:
"Of course it should interfere. Are you to say that a parent's "right" to a child is greater than that very child's right to be happy with his or her life?"
It will not interfere since my right to be a mother is equal to my child's right to be happy. Neither should trump the other. We will simply have to agree to disagree since I am going through with my plans to have a child using DI. I am at peace with my decision and will do everything I am able to do so that my child(ren) will be at peace as well. I am sorry you are not but you owe it to yourself to find peace. I hope that you find your sibs and Bio dad soon (if that is your wish).
"Of course it should interfere. Are you to say that a parent's "right" to a child is greater than that very child's right to be happy with his or her life?"
It will not interfere since my right to be a mother is equal to my child's right to be happy. Neither should trump the other. We will simply have to agree to disagree since I am going through with my plans to have a child using DI. I am at peace with my decision and will do everything I am able to do so that my child(ren) will be at peace as well. I am sorry you are not but you owe it to yourself to find peace. I hope that you find your sibs and Bio dad soon (if that is your wish).
Lormar says:
"It will not interfere since my right to be a mother is equal to my child's right to be happy. Neither should trump the other. We will simply have to agree to disagree since I am going through with my plans to have a child using DI. I am at peace with my decision and will do everything I am able to do so that my child(ren) will be at peace as well."
Maybe they shouldn't interfere with each other, but sometimes they do. I don't really have a problem with your choice since you are using open donation. But still(I'm talking about anonymous donation), if a child is not going to be happy the parent should not have that child. This is a more extreme example, but should a drug addict have children because he or she wants to have kids? No, because that interferes with the interest of the child. That's an extreme example, but it's really the same sort of thinking.
"I am sorry you are not but you owe it to yourself to find peace. I hope that you find your sibs and Bio dad soon (if that is your wish)."
Actually, I've found over 10 siblings and my biological father. A main point of my argument was that I would be completely miserable had I not lucked out and found them. It is painful to not know who you are and where you come from and to be able to form a connection with those people. I hope you decide to register on the DonorSibling Registry for your children so that they can find siblings. It is an incredible experience they should not miss out on. That's my advice, anyway.
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"It will not interfere since my right to be a mother is equal to my child's right to be happy. Neither should trump the other. We will simply have to agree to disagree since I am going through with my plans to have a child using DI. I am at peace with my decision and will do everything I am able to do so that my child(ren) will be at peace as well."
Maybe they shouldn't interfere with each other, but sometimes they do. I don't really have a problem with your choice since you are using open donation. But still(I'm talking about anonymous donation), if a child is not going to be happy the parent should not have that child. This is a more extreme example, but should a drug addict have children because he or she wants to have kids? No, because that interferes with the interest of the child. That's an extreme example, but it's really the same sort of thinking.
"I am sorry you are not but you owe it to yourself to find peace. I hope that you find your sibs and Bio dad soon (if that is your wish)."
Actually, I've found over 10 siblings and my biological father. A main point of my argument was that I would be completely miserable had I not lucked out and found them. It is painful to not know who you are and where you come from and to be able to form a connection with those people. I hope you decide to register on the DonorSibling Registry for your children so that they can find siblings. It is an incredible experience they should not miss out on. That's my advice, anyway.
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